Thinking Out Loud: Death of the Love of Your Life! It doesn’t matter if you were married for one year or over sixty years, losing your spouse can be one of the most painful losses you will ever endure in your lifetime. Your spouse can play many various rolls, some of which are your best friend, soul mate, confidant, snuggle buddy, business partner, cheerleader,and travel mate to name a few. Having all of that end can leave you feeling lost, fearful, insecure, and questioning who you are without him or her. But you can and you will go on living after your spouse has passed. Here are some ideas to help you mourn well and thrive, not just survive.
Call in Support! Don’t feel like you have to go through this alone. It’s true that you are the only one who has lost a spouse, but other people have lost a loved one as a result of your spouse’s death too. Consider reaching out to your in-laws for support throughout the grieving process. Draw upon your family and close friends to help you. Of course, your needs will differ depending upon your season of life. Whether you need your sister to take the kids for the day, a friend to talk to, or someone to remind you to drink lots of water because you are crying so much, think through who you would like to comprise your support systems and don’t be shy about calling on them to help you through this difficult time. Occasionally, death will bring down a wall of estrangement and give you yet another level of support and richness in relationship. You might want to try it.
Mentally wear the black armband. Do you know what I’m talking about? There was a time in history when a black armband was worn to give the community a heads up to be gentle with the one that was suffering a loss in their lives. It could also remind the wearer to be gentle with themself. You may be surprised at how very many things remind you of your spouse. The way he or she sneezed or held their pen or fixed their hair can be shared by a complete stranger and trigger an unexpected flood of tears. Let them flow. Realize they are liquid words carrying out the emotion you may not be able to find words to express. They will carry your sorrow to the Great Comforter and Healer who can touch you in the deep places of your soul and bring relief.
Acknowledge Those Special Days! Oftentimes the most challenging reminders will come on birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. These days are going to be tough, especially in the first year or two. Many people find that if they acknowledge these days and choose to celebrate them to some degree, it helps to mitigate the sadness on those inevitable annual events. If there was a certain restaurant you and your spouse went to on special dates, it might be a lovely and helpful thing to do to go there on your anniversary. Or you could have a family dinner to celebrate your spouse’s birthday allowing it to draw the family together in new levels of intimacy and love. Celebrating these events can be a meaningful way to keep their memory alive, shift the focus from painful loss to beautiful acknowledgement of the beauty they added to your lives, and help you get through one more day.
Adjust your expectations! Relationships have their ups and downs. Mistakes are made. Every relationship has gaps, things you might wish you would have done differently (or wish they would have done differently), and need for forgiveness – asked for and received! If you need to, write down what you would have done differently. Write an apology. Receive forgiveness. Offer forgiveness for unresolved hurts. Turn them into a legacy of life learning that you can use in mentorship if the opportunity presents itself. Don’t live with regrets. Choose to celebrate the positive and share the learning out of the difficult parts.
Starting Over! As you begin to recover from the loss of your spouse, you’ll probably feel as if you’re starting over with everything. You did everything with your spouse before, so learning to do those things by yourself or with someone else in their place may take some time to get used to. Starting over does not mean you have to forget about your loved one. Not at all! Many people feel this way and it results in feelings of guilt as they begin to recover and move on with their lives. The reality is, however, you can’t expect to just pick up your life where you left off before the death of your spouse. Life has changed. It is going to be different now. It’s more than okay to start over and move on with your new life. It is healthy. Make an effort to start new traditions and meet new people. Your spouse would want you to be happy again, even if it means starting over without them.
The bond between a husband and wife is so unique and so special, that it hurts all the more when that physical bond is ended in death. Although your spouse is no longer with you physically, you will always have the memory of the love you shared. As Alfred Lord Tennyson so beautifully put it, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
John T. Catrett, III
Scissortail Hospice Chaplain
306 North Main Street, Suite E
Bristow, OK 74010
918.352.3080
